Contact

Surviving Narcissistic Child Abuse

NarcissisticMomPlayingKidsAgainstEachOther

A lot of people suffer from Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and don’t know it.  NAS is a kind of chronic PTSD that stems specifically from abuse by a narcissist.  I wrote about narcissistic abusers in one of my articles about Johnny Depp’s divorce from Amber Heard.   Basically, a narcissistic abuser is one who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Sociopathy.  They literally lack the ability to feel anything but concern for their own well-being. It’s literally all about them…and what they can “get” from whoever comes into their lives.

Whether a parent, a spouse, a life partner or date, or a friend…narcissistic abuse is very distinctive from other types of emotional, mental or even physical or sexual abuse.  Like I said, narcissists are about what they can get from us. Meaning, emotional and mental “food.”  Yes, it’s safe to say that another terminology for narcissists is “energy vampires.”

They know what they’re doing when they hurt you. They know exactly how to go about pushing your most sensitive buttons. This is because they study you.  They watch you, and listen to you. Usually it starts with what is known as “love bombing.”  This describes one who approaches you with amazing support, great respect, and later, love.  The narcissist love bomber will put their best foot forward to get you to trust them.  To lean on them, and ultimately to depend on them.  They will feel like the only one who understands you. They will seem like the answer to a prayer.

They are especially detrimental when they’re parents, and their victims or “supply” are their own children.

Here is my story of emotional, mental, physical and sexual abuse, by my parents.  Many of you might have heard stories on YouTube videos about the narcissistic parents and two or more children. Almost always, there is favoritism.  A “golden child,” or favored child, and a “scapegoat,” or “problem child.”

You might have already guessed that I was the problem child…but I have heard of golden children speaking out and breaking away from the narcissistic parent or parents.  It’s rare, but it has happened.

I was born a “colicky baby” in 1967.  This is according to my mom, who told me this during a therapy session.  Our family therapist at the time wanted my mom and I to have sessions together without my father and sister, since our relationship was particularly tumultuous.  I was a junior in high school then, and very angry and bitter at my mother.  She had been my best friend while I was in junior high, only to betray me in my sophomore year.  This is exactly what happened, although for years I was programmed to believe she’d never meant to hurt me, and actually really loved me.

Narcissists do not love their children, not even the “golden” ones. They are all out for themselves.  Hard to digest as that is, unfortunately it is the reality.  Even worse, narcissists can’t be helped. No psychiatrist or psychologist can do anything for them, although many have tried and still try.  It’s a losing battle, and the only way to sanity is to never talk to narcissists, ever.  When breaking a relationship with a narcissist, one must be committed to taking care of themselves and whatever other loved ones were affected by the narc. This means never having contact with the narcissist again…under any circumstances.

During that family therapy session, my mom described the colic to me.  When I was born and first put into her arms, I got sick all over her.  She went on to say that she freaked out because obviously she was terrified as to why her baby was sick.  Then she said the nurse told her she should relax and not be so anxious and tense…and maybe I wouldn’t get sick.  The nurse then took me out of my mother’s arms and apparently, I got sick on the nurse. My mother, in the therapy session, praised me and thanked me for “getting back” at that “nasty nurse” for having the nerve to say it was “my mom’s fault” that I had gotten sick.  I do not remember any of this, as my first memory was at age two.

My mom went on to describe colic, and at one point, the family therapist got up and pulled out a medical book.  Apparently, colic is some kind of underdeveloped digestive system that affects the nervous system as well.  There wasn’t much that could be done about that in 1967.

When I was brought home, my mom said, I cried nonstop because colic causes the stomach to hurt constantly.  She told me she would come into my room, pick me up, try to comfort me, then walk around with me, singing or something.  No matter what, however, I wouldn’t stop crying.   My mom would ask for advice from professionals and friends who advised her to just leave me in the crib and let me cry.  My mom did, but then I cried so much and so constantly that it kept her awake at night.  Eventually, she went from leaving me in my crib to coming in and yelling at me to stop crying. My mother put it that way and did express regret about that.  But she also said that it was difficult to hear a baby crying constantly and there was nothing anyone could do.  I have a vague memory of my mom with hair standing on end, standing over my crib yelling about being “sick and tired,” of something.   My mom also told me that my dad worked the graveyard shift at a factory, and was always upset and angry that I couldn’t stop crying while he was trying to sleep during the day.

To add insult to injury, my mom also shared that I was allergic to practically everything. Dust was really bad for me.  Mold and mildew played a part as well.  My parents had to replace the wallpaper in my room, and get rid of all my toys.

Then my mother told me I was “allergic” to cow’s milk.

My mother never breast-fed me because she was told not to do that.  At that time, all mothers were being advised that breast-feeding a baby makes them too “dependent.”  It was the baby boomer feminist movement who especially stressed that women shouldn’t bond so much with their children. This might cause difficulty with getting out and working during the day, which was the aim for the “new woman.”  My mother had jumped on that feminist bandwagon and became one of its loudest advertisers.

A side note: I have every desire in the world that both women and men be treated as equals—equal pay, all of it.  I am pro-choice, and pro-contraception.  I feel very strongly that parents and educators should teach young teens about birth control.  I want women and men to have equal opportunities in employment.  I want the same fair things that have always been discussed with women’s issues and feminism, since I was young, but old enough to understand it.

However, I no longer associate myself with the term “feminism.”  Those of you who’ve read my articles on Amber Heard, as well as what’s going on in the world generally?  You all know that many feminists these days are advocating a “hostile takeover” by women.  The sexism and abuse are being reversed now, and it is women who are persecuting men more, these days.  There are still misogynists who hurt and abuse women, no question.  However, my hope is that the madness stop, and we TRULY work together as human beings.  Respecting each other fully for all of our differences and strengths is the best way to eliminate sexism.  No one is truly “less than” another, after all.

The idea, though, of mothers not breast-feeding their children because they want to be more independent?  Say what you will about breaking out of a mold, but these are human lives being jeopardized!  My life as an infant was full of sickness and stomachaches not because of colic. Because of malnutrition.  Because I wasn’t getting the nutrients every newborn desperately needs…Mother’s Milk.

It was a terrible, terrible idea back in those days, to tell mothers not to breast-feed.  Thankfully, someone figured it out as years went by. More mothers are breast-feeding these days, and thank goodness for that!

I didn’t mean to get on a social-issues rant, but this is the kind of thing narcissists thrive on.  Women choosing themselves over the health of their children…the opposite extreme of what once was a prison-like existence for them.  The days when MEN thought only of themselves and job success, and the women took care of the children, however, are long over now…at least as a “popular norm.”  Male narcissists who “run” households like that, however, still exist today and cannot be downplayed or ignored any more than female narcissists can be.

I was not told whether the cow’s milk I was fed as a baby was in formula form, or just plain milk in a bottle.  My parents’ solution to what obviously was keeping me from being properly nourished, was to get a different kind of milk…just not from my mother’s breasts.  They ended up ordering goat’s milk to be specially delivered.  All through my life, both my parents joked about how “horrible” goat’s milk smells.  But at least it didn’t make me sick, and I was able to be fed as a baby.  I am not sure if my mom had any milk left in her breasts at that time; I don’t know when breast milk dries up since I’m not a mother.  I wasn’t told when my parents started getting goat’s milk.  Goat’s milk is apparently kind of expensive, and my parents were relatively poor then.

My first memory, like I said, was aged two or thereabouts.  I was rocking on a rocking horse I got for Christmas.  I remember feeling happy, enjoying myself on the rocking horse.  However, my mom called me to dinner and I didn’t want to leave the horse.  So my dad yelled loudly at me to get to dinner NOW.  I was terrified of my parents, especially my dad, from the getgo.

My sister was born in 1969, and according to my mom and dad I was extremely jealous.  I don’t remember this much at all.  But, they talked almost nonstop about my jealousy with a certain contempt in their voices.  Never mind that it’s natural for many older kids being jealous of their newborn younger siblings.  To add insult to injury, my mom also said my sister never cried, and was such a good baby. Well, my sister was fortunate enough to not have the colic. Also?  My mother breastfed her, which she told me about in the therapy session.  Apparently, a doctor she saw encouraged her to do it, and that it was okay.

All the makings of a golden child.  Thanks, Mom!

 My dad usually was the calm one but he definitely love-bombed me.  I was his “favorite” or so he tried to make me think.   When my mom took me to task for whatever reason, he would defend me. He’d tell my mom to go easier on me and try to understand what I was doing. Often he said I wasn’t wrong. Then my mom would say something really mean to me. I would cry and then my mom would say to my dad, “See? She’s crying and whining again.” Then my dad would seem to “realize” that his wife was demanding that he agree with her…or there would be a horrible consequence. My mom was prone to fits of depression and high anxiety and my dad often had to sit with her for hours until she came through it.

That said, my dad would turn the tables around and take my mother’s side.  He turned to me and to my utter confusion, yelled at me for the same thing he’d been defending me about.   Usually I would fall apart, crying or yelling, ”I don’t understand,” or words to that effect.  Usually, at that point, my dad sent me to my room.  What I hated most about my room was, my toys were not in there, they were in a playroom specifically for toys.  I was not allowed any of them…why should I enjoy my punishment?  Also, if it was daylight, I couldn’t go outside and play until my parents decided my punishment was over.

When I grew older, the crying became fighting back with words, and standing up for myself. I’d learned to replace my tears with anger.  With my dad, the pattern continued.  My mom would be upset at whatever I was doing, I’d argue back, and my dad would take my side. Then my mom would say some nasty thing like, “Oh Kate thinks she’s so smart, she is just a bitch!” Yes, she called me that.  I said something back like “Don’t call me a bitch!”   My dad would then turn on me and say something along the lines that, I “blew it.” I think I was supposed to go totally mute and let my dad do all the fighting. But even when I did that, my mom always “talked him around.” Then he took her side.

There was a lot of shaming in everything  I did, from leaving an umbrella on the subway by accident, to basic normal mistakes kids make, like leaving their homework to the last minute, whatnot.  The way my parents behaved though, you would think I had been calling them every name but the child of God for years and years. They made such a fuss over disciplining me, they shamed me as if I was a freak.  It was all about how I was going to fail and I would never be able to recover from it or whatnot. Or that I was stressing them out too much.  I don’t mean to say there wasn’t some demonstrations of love throughout my childhood and teenaged years.  There was.  A lot. Christmases were amazing.  They did show love and hugged both me and my sister a lot. It wasn’t all horrific abuse, but whenever I grew comfortable in that environment, before I knew it, it was full-blown attacks again.

My sister never was taken to task or punished the way I was.  One thing my parents lambasted me about as a teenager was the way I talked to them.  They could call me names, curse me out, anything…but I had to speak to them with “respect,” at all times.  My sister, however?  She could lash out at my mom and say whatever she wanted. Just because she didn’t do it as often as I did wasn’t any reason for my mom to do what she did.  I remember sitting in the living room with my sister and my mom telling us to clean our rooms at some point that day.  My sister sat there and blasted my mom, saying over and over again, “Why do you always want our rooms clean?  What’s wrong with it messy?  I hate you, you make me SICK!”

My mom was washing the dishes, but I know she heard my sister.  She didn’t even bat an eye. Not one eye!

I went into the kitchen and confronted her.  Here, in a nutshell, is what she said.

“I know she doesn’t mean it when she says things to me. YOU always mean it.  I KNOW you do.  SHE doesn’t.  So I just ignore her and sooner or later we are getting along again.”

Excuse me, but—WHAT?

I know my sister has a mean streak. I have been on the other side of her anger enough times, especially as an adult, to know she DOES mean what she says in a verbal assault. She means it with all her heart!   Then again, unfortunately she ended up being a narcissist like my parents, so there really is no “heart” to speak of.

Getting back to my father, though…something even worse than my mother playing my sister and I against each other, happened to me when young.

I would go on car rides with my dad where he would expect me to talk to him and listen as an adult, even when I was a child of say, seven or eight.  When I didn’t understand something he said, he shamed me for being “in my own world” or “all about myself.” I was a kid, but he wanted a friend, not a daughter.

I think he also wanted a “lover” of sorts.

I’m realizing even now that my father love-bombed me with emotional and, earlier on, physical incest.  This just gets better and better, doesn’t it??

I have struggled with vague memories I still want to deny: one in particular has me sitting on his lap and him rubbing me against his private parts. Another memory is when he was “playing” with me in the ocean whenever we went to the shore in summertime.  He would pick me up and do the same thing he did when I was on his lap.

Then, I was told to take a shower with him at age seven. I did, and I have no memory of what happened. All I know is the next day I was terrified to take a shower with him again. He badgered me to, and demanded to know why I didn’t want to. None of my answers were satisfactory.  I said I just want to be by myself. He didn’t accept that. He wanted a different answer. What was I supposed to tell him?

Years later, I still haven’t ever talked about it…except to my sister.  She just blew it off every time.  Told me to forgive him.

Forgiveness is different than letting someone stay in your life who is obviously a predator.

In high school, my style of dress was different than the expected “look” for teenagers.  Looking back, I didn’t look as “outlandish”(according to the norm) as some kids dressed in the 80’s…styles I loved, but they weren’t as “me” as what I myself wore.  I didn’t have tattoos or multiple piercings in my ears or body, my hair was its natural color, it wasn’t spiky or cut in different lengths around the head.  No, what I did was something no one else had thought of.  I wore feathers.

I wore them in my hair, roach clips with feathers hanging off of them, and clipped onto my barrettes.  I also clipped them onto a denim vest I wore every day. That vest was always adorned with buttons, usually of people like Matt Dillon, or whatever famous handsome guy I had a crush on at the time.  I also wore buttons with sayings such as “Question Authority” and “I am a Shameless Agitator.”

Some people did bully me in high school because obviously the feathers looked “weird” to them.  I learned to laugh in their faces and keep going.  I was thrilled with my new style and proud of myself for breaking out of the mold of fitting in with the kids who wore all the latest styles as a “hard core rule.”  Those who judged other kids who didn’t look “just right.”  Ironically?  When I came full circle into myself, I obtained more friends than I ever had in any school.  People flocked around me!   I know why, though: it was because I was more comfortable in my own skin.  I had a sense of humor and laughed with people more than when I was younger.  It’s true that the happier a person is and comfortable with themselves, at least so I’ve seen, people tend to gravitate towards them.

I also learned that I could be a pretty good listener when my friends were down.  People came to me with their problems, felt very comfortable talking to me, since I never judged them.  They listened to me, too.  We all looked out for each other.   Life was good at school, and I looked forward to going every day.  My life at home, however, especially in sophomore and junior year, was hell.

My mom hated the feathers with a passion.  She said that I was beautiful and should dress like models in magazines.  When I told her I felt good with my style of dress, she began to bully me…exactly like the kids at school did. What was once my sanctuary, my home, became like a horrible playground a kid is stuck in with bullies who never left them alone. My dad eventually took my mom’s side and the two of them were relentless.  Inevitably, I became more stressed out and joyless, and it bled over into my school life.

Especially offensive to my father were the buttons.  “I am a shameless agitator,” and “Question Authority,” were, as he put it, like saying “Fuck you if you don’t like me.”  I felt like my father had been possessed or something. Not literally, but nothing whatsoever, made sense about what he said.  Those buttons were NOT offensive in any way.  No one, therapist or otherwise, hears me tell this story without shaking their head and saying, “Holy shit, your parents were CRAZY!”  Or words to that effect.

They’re crazy, yes, but I didn’t know what they actually were.  Narcissists, who really didn’t care WHAT they were pushing. So long as it broke your spirit, that was all that mattered.

The concerns I heard about myself from my mom and later my dad was not limited to my dress style.  It was also me, my behavior, my personality, whatnot.  At parties with relatives, I would talk about my life or whatnot and my dad said I was self-absorbed and dominating conversations. I ‘d play the piano and sing off and on at the parties.  Looking back, I might have lacked a few basic social skills; I did talk very fast, and sometimes it sounded frantic, as if I was trying to get out my say before someone interrupted me or changed the subject.  That was exactly what my parents did, but when they interrupted me, they criticized me for “wanting center stage.”  I never wanted “center stage,” or thought I was more important than those around me.  My dad did, however!  He was always the life of the party.  He actually met my mom while acting in a play at a local Pennsylvania theater.  My dad was the lead in the play.  He did, yes, have aspirations of being a famous actor, but gave up that dream to raise a family.   He resented that, and especially resented me for having been born with talent of my own.

Music was therapy to me.  It was a way of feeling safe.  Music was something I was actually good at, and people told me so.  My sister is a visual artist, which is such a wonderfully quiet form of creativity…she could go anywhere and sketch and not be noticed.   With me, my talent was, and is the performing arts, partly inherited from my dad, although he could never sing a note.  There was no hiding for me, whenever I wanted to express myself creatively!  Not unless I simply wrote stories or poetry.  Sometimes I would do that when all else failed.

 At one of my uncles’ houses, there was a beautiful upright piano that I always made a beeline for whenever we’d visit there.  I didn’t want to sit in a kitchen with my aunts and uncles listening to them talk about politics, sports, and judgmental gossip about people I didn’t know and would probably never meet.   The only thing I had in common with any of my relatives was that they all loved music.  My two cousins, the sons of my uncle whose house it was, played the guitar and sang folk rock and Irish music.  It was a tradition at every party to have a sing along.  Of course, when I played the piano and sang with my cousins at sing-alongs, I got lots of gregarious praise, but my parents’ and relatives’ pet peeve with me was my playing the piano at any time.  Not waiting for the “sing-along music hour” I just played, randomly, and it made a noise, obviously.  I was labeled a show-off by my parents.

Looking back, I am glad my social skills have improved, at least enough not to just sit and play a piano while others are talking.  Regardless of whether or not I like their conversations, I have at least learned the value of consideration for others.  Still, as a teenager, I didn’t really know what to do. I just felt…lost.  Another factor was, when I played the piano at home, my parents interrupted me CONSTANTLY.

“It’s too loud!”

“You’re pounding on that thing!”

“The neighbors are going to complain!”

“You play the same thing and all your songs sound the same!”

Bla, bla, bla.  I never had a chance to even delve into creativity at home.   Everyone always assumed I wanted attention.  Mostly, I just wanted to be left alone to do music!  And no one wanted to move the piano into my room.  It wouldn’t have helped with the “noise” anyway.

The praise I did get from my aunts and uncles for my ability with the piano and my singing, was definitely validating.  This said, I feel that subconsciously I was hoping for that validation from them whenever I would play at their house…whether it was the “appropriate time” or not.

As for “pounding” on the piano…well I don’t know about that, but I did often vent my anger on the keys.  I always had the damper pedal down when playing.  I certainly never ruined the instrument. To this day I still have that old piano.  I had it since I was ten.  It is not concert pitch even with a professional tuning, but it’s certainly not that horrible “out of tune” sound with some notes flat and others sharp. They’re generally all the same pitch as they’re supposed to be.

As I look back now, I realize I was made to feel and look like a narcissist by my family. I was not a quiet kid, and as a teenager, I was loud and boisterous. I made sure everyone knew I was going to do great things with my life, and help the world best I could.  It was my way of trying to carve a life and a future for myself that didn’t include being put down for whatever “oddity” my family labeled me with.

I since learned not EVER to share my dreams with narcissists!  I truly wish I had known back then.

I was determined to become a singer/songwriter in a band.  This was, of course another bone of contention because everyone in my family loved my voice, and hoped I would have a great career with it.  Just…not anything to do with anything Bruce Springsteen did. That meant, no rock and roll, or I would be “lowering” myself considerably!

My singing voice had originally been reared on classical singing and opera but in 1984, Bruce Springsteen had gotten to me with his epic music and poetic lyrics. They seemed to be about my life, and how I struggled to fit in with this family that always shut me out.

The more I talked and tried to “justify” myself to them, the more they abused me verbally and sometimes physically.  At one point, I finally cracked.  I tried to compromise myself and do what they said; in the name of survival. I was almost out of high school, I told myself, and once I was free, I’d get my own place and do what I wanted!

I thought life would at least be “easier” if I changed, but no. My parents, even while “praising” me, began to look and speak to me with thinly veiled contempt.  They made sure, even nonverbally, that I felt like a fool who’d “realized” they were in charge.  Or whatever lie they told themselves.  They lorded it over on me.

Finally, when I graduated high school, I moved to Ocean City, NJ, and rented a room there. I got a full-time job at the 99 cents store and was able to support myself. I made damn sure I kept track of my money and was able to live comfortably with no real luxuries.  I didn’t need them. I had the ocean and my music!

It was paradise, that time.  I not only felt free, but I had relaxed, considerably.  I met some amazing people, musicians, and loved listening to their fascinating stories.   Many of them were older than me, and had had a lot of interesting experiences in life.  Everything was great!  The future was so bright, I had to wear shades, just like the song.

 Then, I made the mistake of going to visit my parents and sister in July, and…unfortunately I got homesick.  My sister talked me into coming back home because she missed me, so I did.  I thought, well, I have been on my own, and I have changed considerably.  Maybe they’ll see that and treat me more like an adult.

Fat chance of that.

On my return, my parents wasted no time in making me feel like a complete failure.  It was very, very devastating, and to this day, I still kick myself for leaving Ocean City instead of staying until the end of the summer.

All through my 20’s I never did much of anything…so angry and depressed.  My friends from high school had mostly all moved on with their lives.  Love relationships were never all that great either.  My first serious relationship was, of course, with a narcissist.    It was love at first sight for me, but once we began dating, I quickly learned I didn’t really matter.  I was in the way. But I was so smitten with this person who would love bomb me one minute and discard me the next, I stayed and tried to make it work. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, and broke off the relationship. Other relationships came afterwards, but that first one had a lasting impression on me for years.

Unfortunately, looking back, I did something I call “mimicking the perpetrator.”  I would get moody and shut them out, and get annoyed when they wanted to spend time with me…just like my first “love,” that narcissist who always complained about my “clinginess.”

One more thing about depending on my parents for money.  I realized that subconsciously I haven’t had a problem accepting money or even asking for money…because an angry child in myself feels like I deserve it. Like, this is my compensation for all my parents denied me, i.e. support, protection from bullies, and overall, making me feel like I never should have been born. Does this sound like I’m stooping to their level?  I don’t like to take from or bleed people financially, but they have offered gregariously, and later guilt tripped me and shamed me for it.  I don’t know. I know one thing…I will be doing something, anything, to manage my money better.  I don’t want to take any more money from them, so they can lord it over me and make me feel like a loser that never amounted to anything.  Spending is a bad habit I got into to cope.

This finally made me go completely no-contact.  As of this writing, I have officially been no-contact from my family for twenty-four hours.

Twenty-four hours going on years!  More years of a brand new life for me, no looking back, no regrets.

I encourage all who are reading this, particularly those who have suffered from Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.  Whether you are still in a relationship with a narcissist: family, romantic or friendship…I urge you to go no-contact as soon as possible.  You don’t need that abuse.  No one deserves it. Narcissists, like I said in the beginning, have no concept of love, empathy or compassion.

I am here for anyone who wishes to talk with me privately about anything regarding narcissistic abuse or other mental issues.  Please feel free to send me a private message or email.   Meanwhile…stay strong, stay truthful, and treat yourself with Love.

You deserve it.  Namaste!

Dear Johnny Depp–Keep Being You

Several people are writing open letters online criticizing Johnny Depp and begging him to change his ways.  Why?  I think the word of the day, hell, word of the YEAR…is Gossip.

  We “Heard” enough about you-know-who.  Then, just when things were looking up, and Johnny won the People’s Choice award(Joe Perry said “The people have spoken,”),  boom, here come the Mandel brothers Joel and Rob.  These guys are the head honchos of the Management Group(TMG), who acted as Johnny’s financial managers since 1999.  You remember, of course, that Johnny was suing them for mismanaging his money.  Well, not even a week after the People’s Choice awards, TMG counter-sued Johnny, calling his lawsuit “absurd.”  That would have been fine, we expect those we sue to come back with a rebuttal.  If TMG had stopped there, it wouldn’t have been a big deal.  But no…they went and DISGRACED not only themselves, but Johnny, at least in public opinion.  They put out a public release of Johnny’s personal financial information.  What he spends on houses, taxes, hell even wine.  They even went as low as to reveal that Johnny spent three million dollars to shoot Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes out of a cannon.

How does  TMG, let alone their incredibly audacious lawyer, know that we, the public, wanted to know that information?  Certainly they didn’t think Johnny Depp wanted us to know, did they?  I doubt it.  Well…you all know the story by now ,you’ve seen the snide reports in response to that. (30k on wine??? Holy crap! and other such slurs.)  My take on this?  Sure, 30k is a lot of fucking money for wine.  Yet, even the most profound alcoholic would have dropped dead years ago if he or she had consumed all that.  I don’t care WHERE the wine comes from.  Johnny Depp would not be walking around today if he literally purchased all that money’s worth of wine…for his own consumption.

He’s got a family, he had a wedding two years ago, and he’s had functions and music sessions at his house. Not everyone who goes to Johnny’s house to play music are the sober Hollywood Vampires, after all.  He’s  Johnny  Depp, he’s been around Hollywood for years, and he’s got friends in the business that like to drink as much as he does.  He spends time with his family and other friends, who also probably enjoy a nice glass of wine.  His houses are huge.  He probably held parties with thousands of people at his house(s).  I mean, seriously, how stupid can people be?

Okay, enough of this. Here is MY open letter to Johnny Depp!

Dear Johnny,

I wanted to write you and tell you a heartfelt thanks–for being so strong in the face of so much adversity.  You are a delight onstage with your guitar, and a treasure to see in the movies. You may not know this but you saved my life, in a matter of speaking, by one simple sentence you uttered in an interview somewhere.  This phrase was listed as one of your legendary quotes and placed on a meme with one of the most gorgeous pictures I’ve ever seen of you.

“I think everybody’s weird.  We need to celebrate our individuality and not be embarrassed or ashamed of it.”

Those last few words,  “not be embarrassed or ashamed,” are the words I needed to hear. I spent most of my life in shame and embarrassment.  Why?  Because  I was and am different, and always will be.  I am not a typical 9-5 businesswoman.  I am an artist and creator, and many have labeled me  “eccentric,” or a “rebel.”  Like you, I went through life marching to the beat of my own drum.  When they loved me, they really demonstrated that love.  A lot of them, I am sure, really felt it, too. However, whenever  I would fall on my face for whatever reason, in whatever situation?  Didn’t matter if it was personal or professional.  I was embraced by a few, yes, who expressed love and compassion, but hated by others.  It never failed.  When you’re on the “ball,” you are the IT person of the century. When you fall down?  They kick you right where you’re lying in the gutter.

Johnny, I have watched them kick you one time too many.  And yet,  I know it isn’t going to end anytime soon. So…like you are doing, I am putting on my “grown-up pants,” and not giving in to empathetic rage and bitterness. I went through enough of that with your tempestuous divorce.  Besides, you need me to have faith that all will work out. I certainly have faith in you, Johnny.  But we all need to have faith in the human race…that, like the people who spoke, recognize greatness and true old-soul wisdom that never grows stale.

For this reason, I am reaching out with my arms, and gathering you into a huge spiritual hug.  Johnny  Depp, you are a rock to me, but please know I am always here for you. I wish we knew each other. I wish  I could check in on you. It’s not easy being strong all the time.  You want to take care of your children and family, and present the bravest face possible. But you’re only human, after all.

I hope you have some people you can talk to, Johnny.  Friends or family you can express yourself to. Whether you need to cry, smash things or just talk…I hope you have these people at hand when you need them. Even if they’re miles away and you text, email or just talk on the phone with them. And, yes, even if your hectic schedule wouldn’t allow you to just charter a plane to Philadelphia and have coffee with me.any time you wanted?  I know you know I’m here.  You said as much in your acceptance speech for  People’s Choice. You do read what your supporters write about you. You know our love, and how strong it is.  Like you felt the need to thank all of us, however–this is my turn to thank YOU.

Always remember that I love you, Johnny Depp. We love you.  Just keep being you!  And don’t give a shit what anybody else thinks.

All my love,

Druana.

johnnyacceptspcaward2017lovehim

Dear Harry Potter “Feminists”–GET OVER IT!

 

 

JohnnyWavingInPAClosupCropSmaller
 

Hey!  You!  Get Off Of My Cloud.

 

Okay.  So Johnny Depp was cast, not that his representatives or Warner Brothers confirmed this, from last I read, in a prequel to the Harry Potter story.  “Fantastic Beasts and Where to  Find Them,” is J.K. Rowling’s latest book/movie saga that pre-dates Harry’s adventures with Voldemort.  This prequel saga seems to focus on Newt Scamander( played by  Eddie Redmayne)  who finds himself in a bit of trouble with the  Dark Arts.  There is also a lot of focus on Albus(Professor)Dumbledore as a younger man, and his relationship with best friend/love interest-turned rival, Gellert Grindelwald.  So…the latest is that Johnny Depp will be playing Grindelwald.  He can do so many wonderful things with characters, so it makes perfect sense, right, to cast him in such a magical story?  One would think so. Harry Potter never left many of our hearts, and neither did Albus Dumbledore.  I, for one, hope Johnny will be  a part of the series…whatever role he actually is doing.

 

ewambimbettecockroachoutfitokkk
 

I’m Covered In Cockroaches And They Still Love Me!…that is, the roaches love me…

 

Ah, but nobody wants to let Amber Heard go, do they?  At least not those feminists who follow the “code.”(“The Code is Law!” belches Keith Richards as Captain Sparrow’s father in Pirates 2: Dead Man’s Chest. 😉 )  What is the feminist code regarding Domestic Violence? “Thou Shalt Not Question a Woman Who Claims her Husband Beat Her.”  Far be it for any of YOU to allow Johnny Depp to shed that horrible slur on his name.  Never mind what we all know to be true, which I’ve done enough screaming about to go into now.  You want to ignore the LAPD,  Vanessa Paradis and Jerry Judge, fine, just go ahead.  You don’t want to hear about what people SAW, just keep on telling yourself that Amber was beaten by  Johnny.  Good luck with that, all of you.  But let’s get clear on one thing.

johnnystatementgameplayerslmao

In other words?  NO ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT AMBER HEARD!   GET OVER IT!

Amber Heard dropped the charges.  Okay?  She dropped them with PREJUDICE.  Okay?  Why would she do that?  Why?  Why didn’t she fight, when Johnny was willing to settle?  The only thing Johnny refused to do was sign an agreement saying he did physically abuse her. Why did he refuse to sign that thing?   Oh yeah, he didn’t DO it!!!

You people are witch-hunters.  This is not about Amber Heard.  You all just want an excuse to trash Johnny Depp. Why?  Because he’s not the “novelty” you always wanted anymore?  His looks changed as he got older?  Awwww poor little baby girls!  Grow up!  You never shouted and screamed “let’s boycott Johnny!” when he had that row with Kate Moss in the famous New York hotel, did you??  He trashed and smashed a hotel room right in front of her.  He got thrown in jail for it.  Remember that?  You never freaked out about THAT, did you?

Then again, Kate Moss never walked through a field of paparazzi with a bruise on her face, claiming Johnny Depp put it there.  We never heard a peep from Kate, and she probably showed up the next day, perfectly fine.  Living proof that no matter how angry Johnny gets, no matter how many pieces of furniture, wine bottles, glasses whatever, that he may throw around and break?  He never hit a woman.  Sorry, folks, he never hit a woman. Johnny’s always had a violent temper but he takes it out on things that don’t have a conscience.  He never hit a woman. Vanessa Paradis said he never hit her.  He never hit a woman. Vanessa is also a mother of two, Johnny’s kids Lily Rose and Jack.  Johnny never hit a woman.  Lily and  Jack would probably know if Johnny battered Amber.  Johnny never battered Amber.  Vanessa would have had custody of those two teenagers quicker than you could say, “SPOON!”  Johnny.  Depp. Never.  Hit.  A Woman.

Clear yet?  Would Vanessa stand up for Johnny Depp if he’d hit Amber?  With KIDS to look out for?  Excuse me?  Vanessa was apparently  “dumped” for Amber Heard.  Why, just WHY, would she not put her KIDS above Johnny’s welfare, rather than call the claims OUTRAGEOUS??

vanessaletterdefendingjohnny

Read it carefully, and write that word a hundred times on the blackboard.  OUTRAGEOUS.  From Vanessa, a MOM.  If Amber were worth the salt you morons think she is, Vanessa, as a woman, would NOT merely defend  Johnny over a grudge against Amber. No.  She wouldn’t defend Johnny Depp if he were capable of that.  No way.  Come on, folks, do you think Vanessa is STUPID?

WHAT MOTHER WOULD DEFEND JOHNNY DEPP FROM BEING ACCUSED OF WIFE BEATING?  THE MOTHER OF HIS KIDS, THAT’S WHO!!!

vanessadefendedjohnnyhello
 

You Calling Me A Liar???

 

And you feminists are crying and whining because “Fantastic Beasts,” like “Pirates” and the “Alice” movies, is geared for children. OHHHH NOOOOO!  We can’t take our kids to THAT!  That is supporting DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

Shut up and get your heads out of Amber’s pie, you sycophants.  Amber Heard probably wants to be left the hell alone, after being publicly humiliated by those who knew the TRUTH after she stuck her stupid foot in her mouth and got caught lying. Save your gripes for people with REAL abuse history.  Maybe don’t buy your kids copies of the Pochahontas movie anymore, better yet, stand up and demand that movie be dubbed over with someone ELSE playing John Smith OTHER than Mel Gibson!  THAT would be a novel idea.  Look, the man is a bigot, even if he didn’t hit his wife.  He hates Jews and all kinds of others different than him…why should HE represent a movie aimed at bringing awareness to Native American enslavement?  Pochahontas is still popular, a classic, just like Cinderella and other Disney animated movies.  WHY don’t you feminists do some REAL progressive change and boycott MEL GIBSON’S voice as John Smith, hey?

mel-stupid-gibson-bigot-person
 

You LIKE Me!  You  Ladies REALLY LIKE Me!

 

That, to me, would be positive change. I would really like to see that movie re-dubbed.  With JOHNNY DEPP as John Smith!  Hell, at least Johnny can SING!

johnnysweeneysangheartout
 

I SANG MY HEART OUT AND ALL YOU PEOPLE CAN TALK ABOUT IS THAT SWEENEY KILLED PEOPLE!  WELL POOOOOH ON YOUUUUUU!

 

Move along, li’l Ambeliever doggies.  Your fifteen minutes of fame are up.    You’re smelling up the Leaky Cauldron.  You also put Voldemort to shame with your evil.

alanrickmansnapeexpelliarmus
 

EXPELLIARMUS!

 

beautifuljohnnyblondestreaksrecentpic
 

Thanks, Alan. 🙂

 

I Still Don’t Believe Her. No, Save Your Facepalms–I Don’t Think She’s a Gold Digger Either.

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t about money for Heard after all.  It was, after all, stated in the joint document between herself and Depp that “nobody has lied or made false allegations for f…

Source: I Still Don’t Believe Her. No, Save Your Facepalms–I Don’t Think She’s a Gold Digger Either.

I Still Don’t Believe Her. Save Your “Facepalms,” Ambelievers! I Also Know She’s Not A Gold Digger.

 

AmbitchBlaBlaBlaCharityBlahaha

SEE?  I Wasn’t After Johnny’s Money After All!  That Proves I Was Telling the Truth…Right?  Ah…Right…?

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t about money for Amber Heard after all.  It was, after all, stated in the joint document between herself and Johnny Depp that “nobody has lied or made false allegations for financial gain.”  So okay, Amber donates her  entire 7 million dollar settlement to charity, and makes sure she lets the public know that “as stated in the document, it was never about  money for me.”

Okay, fine, she’s not a gold digger after all.  Brilliant. Wonderful.  Fabulous.  This proves her right in the Court of Public Opinion after all!  Wow!  Thud!  Damn do  I feel stupid!  Or do I?

Not really, folks.  Sorry!  She’s not going to convince  me THAT easily.

I don’t care if you newly reawakened Ambelievers don’t want to hear it, either. Heard may have “proven” that she’s not a gold-digger, but that does NOT make it gospel truth that she wasn’t lying.

I have talked in depth about signs in Amber that I’ve read about in Psychology Today and other magazines of that nature.  I have repeatedly disclaimed that  I’m no doctor “fit” to diagnose Amber Heard, even though I know, firsthand, a thing or two about mental illness.

You can say what you want, but that woman  has all the signs of a true blue narcissist, and sociopath. Nothing she does is for anything but to make herself look good.  Look at what she said when she donated that money!  She HAD to let us all know she wasn’t a gold digger, plus that little bit about the 7 million being more money than she’d ever donated to charity before.

Let’s all bow down to Amber.  Where’s her crown made of thorns?  Folks, are you REALLY that gullible?  Do you STILL believe Johnny paid off the LAPD to lie and say there was no evidence of a crime?  AND the concierges at the condo too??

Really.  Wow.  I guess people who stood up for Johnny really WERE being prejudiced because of our “hero worship?”

Not remotely.  Not unless the Pope is actually a Muslim pretending to be Catholic. Or maybe Obama is a full-blooded Caucasian who painted himself to look like an African American just to get more votes.  Maybe the Earth really IS flat after all.  Maybe dogs never existed, but are actually corporeal hallucinations.

And maybe Barnaby Joyce really WAS inbred with a tomato.

Okay, enough with the jokes.  Look closely, if you dare, at Amber’s behavior throughout their relationship, “Overhaulin'” being one of the most revealing displays.  Did anyone notice how she began punching Johnny’s arm and chest, several times when she realized he’d pulled that wild prank on her about her car?  She may have been laughing, but those were some pretty hard punches, guys.

Her father, David Heard, was also revealed to be rather a violent son-of-a-gun, after the police called Amber who still had no idea she was on “Overhaulin'” and told her her father had had an altercation with the guy who apparently “stole” Amber’s car(part of the prank of course.)    Amber was told her father punched the guy, and hard, before he managed to get away with Amber’s precious 1967 Mustang.

Amber’s exact words about her father punching the guy in particular?

“That doesn’t surprise me.”

I still don’t know where David Heard is right now–let alone Paige and Whitney, Amber’s mother and sister.  Are they ever going to speak out about their experience watching their “poor daughter and sister” in the media, scrutinized and “hated on,” by people like me who, despite all the evidence, still continued to point out there JUST wasn’t any real proof that Johnny physically assaulted her?  Also, I still wonder why David Heard didn’t publicly brag about beating the tar out of  Johnny–or at least had it reported some other way if he didn’t feel like dealing with the media.  Wouldn’t he want the world to know how he “protected” his daughter?  I would, if I were him!

That is, if the abuse actually happened.  But I’ve said all this before.  Let’s talk about verbal abuse for a minute.

Emotional battery is now considered to be part of Domestic Violence, and even if there was no physical altercation, somebody in an intimate relationship can still file charges of Domestic Abuse on someone who verbally and emotionally assaults and humiliates someone in a relationship.

Remember that video?  Of course you do…it’s still all over the news, STILL on the “front page.”  Remember what happened in that video?  Johnny swore and kicked some cabinet doors shut, slammed some more cabinet doors, threw some glass.  What did he say to Amber Heard?

Here are the exact quotes, sans Amber’s responses and initial question and statement.

“Nothing.”(muttered)

“Were you in here?”

“Did something happen to you?”

“Did something happen to YOU, this morning?  I don’t think so.”

“You wanna see crazy, I’ll show you fucking crazy.  Here’s me.  All your crazies.”

“Oh, you got this going?  Is this thing going?”

“Oh really? REALLY?”

Let’s analyze everything from the third-to-the last line down where Johnny promises to show Amber “fucking crazy.”  What does that mean?  Is it a threat?  Maybe some of you might say that, but what does he do?  He pours some wine.  If he were going to hit her, he’d have struck her right away and said “THAT’s fucking crazy.”  Wouldn’t he?  Oh sure, you can also argue that he’s an alcoholic and he just HAD to have his wine to “gear himself up” for what obviously “was” going to be a physical attack on Heard.  Sure.  Everything is implied.  What happened, though?

Johnny realized he was being videotaped.

The problem with that video is that it’s TOO EASY to interpret it as a physical altercation in which he DID attack  Heard, maybe even rendered her unconscious.  But no, there still is no visual evidence of ANY of that.  We hear something crash, and it could have been anything.  A phone thrown against the wall or Amber hitting the floor.  Sure, say some diehard Ambelievers, it COULD be that he struck her.  COULD be.  That doesn’t mean that he DID.

Also, let’s not forget one little thing. Johnny’s lawyers claimed the video was “heavily edited.”

Oh, bullshit, some of you might say.  Ah, but then what happens?  Amber denied leaking the video, only to leak out a horrible picture of Johnny having harmed HIMSELF–not Amber, but himself–and a mirror with a painted on message that says, “Starring Billy Bob–Easy Amber.”

I don’t know about you but I did not see any blood on those painted words. And hey…where were the, you know, BLOOD spatters all over the mirror and floor?

That finger would have been gushing, gushing and gushing some more if it had happened that way. Don’t tell ME that message would even be legible, with all the blood spattered everywhere.  Where was the blood, hey?  Oh what, did Amber clean it up before taking that photo of the mirror as “evidence?”

Really?

Here’s a question!  How do we know  Johnny Depp accused Amber of sleeping with Billy Bob Thornton in the first place?  Oh, and wait, there are two contradicting stories here too.  One story has Amber THERE with  Johnny while he had his jealous  meltdown in a hotel room in Australia.  The other story?  Amber is on the PHONE with Johnny, as she was reportedly in London filming “The Danish Girl.”   Johnny, while accusing Amber of her horrible cheating crime, apparently smashed the plastic phone and severed off his fingertip THEN.

O-kay!  So, who took the picture of the message on the mirror…AND the cut finger that was so horrible?

I still call bullshit.  Sorry!  I still call bullshit on ALL of it.

Amber is no gold digger.  That I will accept for now, despite her demands for instant spousal support which, when refused, ended up in her crying abuse.  However, remember this–neither  I nor many other Johnny supporters ever thought Heard was doing it all for money anyway.  No.  Bottom line?  Amber is a troubled person with serious anger issues and self-important grandiosity.  Because she didn’t get what she wanted from that marriage, and whatever their many fights were about that she held grudges for?  She went after Johnny Depp with a malicious intent to SMEAR him to the public entirely.  Smear him and make EVERYONE hate him. Just like Doug Stanhope said she was doing, based on his recount of the conversation with Johnny.  As reiterated in The Wrap’s article with Stanhope’s account of the situation? Johnny apparently confided in  Doug that Amber had threatened to lie about him if he didn’t agree to  her terms in the divorce she was going to file for.  Well. Did those terms all mean money?  No, apparently not. As I’ve stated before, however, I still suspect that Amber wanted  Johnny to keep quiet about whatever physical abuse SHE did to him.

Or…maybe she was just doing it to torture him.  Emotional battery, anyone?  Maybe JOHNNY should have filed abuse charges.  However, who really knows if he did or didn’t?

He certainly never said a word, and neither did his lawyers, probably at his behest. Trauma affects everyone in distinctive ways. If he DID file abuse charges without putting in a police report, but did it PRIVATELY rather than publicly like Amber did?  I’m quite positive that Johnny dropped said charges when Amber dropped hers.  Fair enough, right?  Assuming, of course, that Amber would simply go back to  Justice League and shut up about the divorce from now on.

Ah, but this is Amber here.  We all know that without Johnny, she wouldn’t even be a household name. She HAD to garner more fame for herself, starting right at the top with the first article about her “abuse” by  Johnny.  She did it to hurt Johnny–hurt him badly, because she “could.”  She also didn’t want to be some “forgotten nobody,” after publicly divorcing the man who virtually made her famous.

Let’s remember also, that she really couldn’t help herself.  She’s insane.

It’s as simple as that.  Amber is certifiably insane.  Mentally ill.  THAT is what I always felt was the underlying reason for accusing  Johnny.

Going back to my original point of verbal abuse?  That video shows Johnny angry and talking about being crazy.  Obviously, Amber has called him crazy before.  And, who knows whatever other verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse often takes two to tango with, people.

So no.  I still don’t believe Johnny physically assaulted Amber.  And there is no real evidence of emotional battery either.  If we’d heard Johnny calling Amber a slew of names like “bitch,” and worse, bisexual or lesbian slurs?  As well as cursing her out with the typical “Fuck you!  Fuck off and die!” or some such thing?  Then, okay, I could accept that Johnny emotionally and verbally abused Heard, and that was grounds for a Domestic Violence allegation.  A restraining order?  Maybe not so much, unless Johnny did physical things like refuse to leave a premise, while standing there insulting Amber, forcing Heard to call the security people, or police, to have Johnny removed.

NONE of that was ever proven.  It’s frustrating as hell that this didn’t go to trial, although I was very sympathetic to  Johnny when he finally decided to settle. After that horrible video and finger footage?  Not to mention a colleague of his being put in the middle of something Johnny “supposedly” accused him of doing?  Billy Bob Thornton had to comfort his poor wife but he did it by saying it was “Johnny’s fantasy.”  How did he really know that Johnny had accused Amber of having anything to DO with him?

How do we know the fight, which ended in  Johnny’s hand injury whether it was a cut-off fingertip or not, wasn’t about something completely different??  Say, maybe Johnny wasn’t happy with an argument between Amber and one of his family members–his mother, his kids, whoever?

We’ll never know, I suppose, unless Johnny decides to talk about it.  That is up to him.  But this whole thing with Amber being “vindicated” in publilc opinion once more MERELY because the world now knows that MONEY wasn’t her motive–is sickening and disheartening.

Nothing was proven.  At all. Even despite the LAPD and what people actually SAW, verses what iO Tillet Wright and Racquel Paddington HEARD..

This world has a long way to go towards real, as Amber puts it, “positive change”

JohnnyWannaHugHim

Poor Johnny!  If Anyone Should Do a Facepalm, it is Him.

Time to go to  my Anger Room and smash some horrible porcelain.  Then, maybe a good cry.  I’m sure Johnny’s shed many tears by now.

May he be getting lots of shoulders, handkerchiefs and comforting words. And plenty of Amber’s leftover “gifts” to smash up in his own Anger Room!   That, complete with a ritual burning of every single picture of her, ending with a ritual cleaning of the entire house?  Should do the trick, until the next time Johnny needs to vent.

I am sure he’s doing a lot of painting and writing as well.  Probably writing a lot of epic music also, eiher with Hollywood Vampires, his son Jack for his own band “Clownboner,” or just by himself.

At any rate?  Love and Blessings to Johnny Depp.  I will always support him.  Always. Because he told the  Truth, even while not saying a word.

For that, and much more, I will always love him.

Healing

forest

The only way I feel we can make a difference in the world is allow people to be where they are emotionally, even if those emotions aren’t “positive.”  In fact, I don’t think the words “positive” and “negative” belong in any causes for the “Light.”  Telling somebody not to be “negative,” promotes conflict and mistrust.  What in the world are you doing calling yourself a healer–if you can’t take someone’s pain shared with you?  I hear entirely too many “healers” bitch and complain about complainers.  Talk about an oxymoron!  Everyone who is told not to “complain” has to simply shut up while the “healer” continues his or her whine about others “whining.”  Makes me want to just stuff a hunk of cheese into their mouths and continue with my “whine” somewhere else.

Real Healing is not about tiptoeing on eggshells with people. Not even a well-renowned spiritual healer/teacher.

I am a Light Warrior and Healer who faces down obstacles of darkness, protects the innocents the best way  I can, and I work with energy to heal others.  This is all for the purpose of psychic, global, and healthy CHANGE in this world that I am part of.  I am not satisfied just apathetically leaving things as they are and ignoring it.  I want a better world. What we have now has too much shit not to want to help clean it up.  As we face a new election year AND many other extraordinary events in 2016, there is a Shift going on now.  Many of us are realizing that we are simply not going to make it very much longer going the way we’ve been going for too long.  If people keep the same old bullshit up while preaching healing and light…they are going to alienate other people who DEFINITELY want the light but who need to also fucking be REAL with the fact that it HURTS us to see the world so down!  Don’t tell us to “get over it.”  Don’t tell us it’s “old news,” and DO not tell us it “does no good” to cry over what we can’t control.  Forget that, if I can’t cry,  I can’t feel and can’t SEE what is wrong with the world and I don’t know what needs to be changed.  Let me tell you something. Some people will alienate people who acknowledge that dark forces exist.  Let me explain something to you!  Acknowledging dark forces doesn’t give them power over you.  It does the opposite!  People get sucked into dark thinking and they end up pulling the wool over the eyes of everyone who INSISTS they are just doing a “divine purpose” and to “send them love, love, love!”  You can’t send love to a dark force, it will eat it up AND turn around and hit you with a punch you don’t see coming.  See the man or woman who seems to have finally figured out the truth in themselves?  That maybe their behavior was hurting others so they went and did something to change it?  Well.  That same person can preach a good game but then?  Look out!  You trust them, start to believe in them, celebrate them for coming around to their personal integrity.  You believe that now they will REALLY know how to respect other humans and their lives because they now respect THEMSELVES.

Then–BANG!  They shoot you in the head from behind.  In the same cowardly way they’ve always done everything else.

I am not saying people in a dark place cannot change…they CAN.  We need to allow for the possibility.  We can send prayers of encouragement, but nothing phony.  Call them out but tell them if they  WANT it, they can improve their minds and be HONEST about what they themselves need to heal from.  These are people who blame others for their problems and go out of their way to get useless “revenge” by hitting their blamed “perpetrators” who may not even have done anything to them!  However, these lost souls will beat at them and flame them until they can barely stand up, figuratively speaking.

This is NOT growth, people.  The old adage must always be acknowledged.  You simply CANNOT save a person who does not want to be saved!

At those times, we have no choice but to walk away, but in doing that we must realize that maybe all hope for them ISN’T gone!  Sometimes, it takes everyone walking away from them to really make them THINK.  Many is the time when, all alone with no more friends beside him/her to support their lies, a person will finally turn within, to a Divine force or at least to something that is Greater than themselves–a power within that they never knew they had.  When they can do that?  THEN they are truly CAPABLE of getting in touch with their truth.

This is wonderful.  I believe it can happen and a lot of people want it.  I believe we CAN heal ourselves and each other but we have to WANT it enough.

We also have to be able to discern who really wants to change their destructive patterns and who doesn’t.  Sometimes people will “pretend” to want to change, but down inside they are laughing as they rob you of your energy.  We’re talking people who are conscious of their ability to hurt people, and worse?  They REVEL in it.  It gets them high, like a mind-altering substance.  I wrote about Narcissistic Personality Disorder in my musings on the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp divorce.    However, you don’t necessarily have to be a narcissist to have that nasty DESIRE to hurt, maim and ultimately destroy a person mentally or even physically.

Psychology Today’s website has an amazing article on  master manipulators, or Machiavellians. We all have the ability to manipulate and deceive but while many of us are aware and try not to do it to harm others…just bring to light a truth that could save a life for example?  Others revel in using their manipulative abilities to really bring people down–or a nation, or a whole world down!  It can be anyone from your next-door neighbor to O.J. Simpson, or at worst, Hitler.

What Makes Someone a Master Manipulator?  By Dale Hartley, Ph.D., MBA

As the article states, there are ways a person can get treatment to stop their manipulative patterns, but again, they really have to want it.  It is also very hard to treat a High Mach manipulator. If they absolutely have no desire or intentions to change, there is nothing we can do for them.  All we can do is protect ourselves by not allowing them to harm us or our loved ones in any way.  We have to keep them out of our lives at all cost. No contact, whatsoever,   If the High Mach by-chance resorts to stalking us and/or our families, a restraining order must be placed upon them.  At best, this will keep us free of them.  In the worst case scenario, say if these people are completely out of control and destructive to the extreme?  They will probably need to be committed to a psychiatric ward if not prison, for an extended period of time, perhaps life!

We have to face facts that not everybody might make it to the other side of the rainbow with us, people.  Rather, they will persist in endless physical, mental, emotional–and overall, psychic attacks.

Anyone who laughs at spirituality and psychic change needs to look at reality.  Not all verbiage means something is a different “animal” than logic or reason.  Psychology and psychic are more similar than one might think.  After all, both contain the word “psych” in them.  The word “psyche” derived from Greece of course, means human life, soul, breath, mind and spirit.  We all have different aspects of our minds, that which can do mundane tasks like clean a house, and more elevated tasks like read a piece of highly thought-provoking literature or non-fiction.  Or, simply to meditate, study our minds, our spirits, our energy.  We are all made of energy.  Matter, or our physical bodies, are just energy that has weight and takes up space.

To learn how to discern a High Mach, it helps to look at one of the most obvious and monstrous of them all: Adolph Hitler.  When he first came onto the scene and garnered power, Germany was on its last legs, the economy having left the country almost in complete disaster.  Hitler masterfully crafted every word to get these broken people to trust him implicitly, and not question him for a second. This is a real red flag here for those of us trying to protect ourselves from High Machs, even those not nearly as soul-less as Hitler was.  When we meet someone who is so wily with their words and so intriguing–we just hang onto everything we say as if they can never do wrong?  Chances are, they are a High Mach manipulator.   As we know, it took years to figure out Hitler’s twisted agenda, even after the Second World War ended up defeating him.  Once the horrific reality of the Holocaust hit everyone between the eyes, the massive amount of devastation was a terrifying rude awakening. As for Hitler, did he have any kind of conscience kick in by the time he went to take his life–anything that could even slightly resemble remorse?

No.  This article about Eva Braun’s decision to die by her husband’s side has Hitler’s last will and testament printed in it, stating his plans for suicide, and why he would be doing it.  Just a warning,  it’s very difficult to read, but it will help us understand how truly inhuman High Machs, narcissists and sociopaths are.  Sad as that word “inhuman” may sound to a spiritualist who believes EVERYONE  has hope for redemption?

They need to read this.

Hitler is an extreme example, and obviously one we NEVER want to see again.  We have no choice but to PAY ATTENTION and start discerning truth from lies, and use as much of our mental intellect, our psyche and our experiences in life, to pick up on every red flag that rears its ugly head.

Watch a person you meet, and take in their words, watch their eyes, and if they are absolutely captivating to you, step back in your mind and detach as quickly as you can. Watch them from an impartial mindset.  Are they REALLY as passionate about what they’re talking about, or is their passion fueled by a desire to impress you by building you up and placing you on a pedestal for whatever it is you do that “inspires” them?  Careful, those who deal with low self-esteem and are fighting the pattern of needing compliments by humans to feel worthy!  I am one of those people fighting that pattern as I, unfortunately, even in adulthood, allowed my self-esteem to be crushed to the point of no return.  This has happened too  many times, and the result was disastrous.  Many is the time even recently, when I cleaved to too many so-called “friends” who praised me gregariously.  Not only did they praise me, they supported me in every problem I went through that I freely shared with them, feeling it safe to do so.  All of a sudden, however, with no warning, they would lose interest and abruptly cut me off. At worst, they not only cut me off, they turn on me and slam me as one of the worst villains in the world.  This is called deflection–deflecting back at another what you are doing yourself. High Machs are MASTERS at this.

Above all, we have to be sound of mind within ourselves to really protect ourselves from that which will harm us.  It’s not only people who harm us, we harm ourselves, self-destructive behavior often resulting in substance abuse and other issues.  We have to not only heal ourselves but be consistent at maintaining our good health, in all ways.

This means KEEPING IT REAL.

Allow yourselves the right to get angry, please.  Don’t be afraid.  So a person cringes when you show anger, say by throwing dishware, furniture and swearing loudly. Ask anyone uncomfortable to leave your house if they are at your home, or if they live with you, go into another room and have your rant without worrying about what others think.   Anger can serve us well..it keeps us fighting!  We focus it in a way that benefits us to stay aware, and help others BECOME aware.  We NEVER use anger to kill people or stoop down to a level of darkness.  More war will NOT do anything but keep things going around in circles.

There’s a great song by renowned rock band Metallica, called “St. Anger.”  It’s got an amazing message about learning to use anger in a healthy way–while stressing how destructive it can become when suppressed either by others or ourselves.

“St. Anger”  by Metallica, with Lyrics

The pain of the world is not just anger-provoking, either.  It is downright devastating and it hurts our hearts.  Tears often come at times like this, and I say God Bless the man or woman that cries.  I am a believer in crying, and highly encourage those who are hurting to just cry.  Cry for the ones you could not help, cry for those parts of the world that continue to suffer.  Do not be ashamed to cry for YOURSELVES too, for the energy you put into trying to help one who too often rejected your help.  You feel helpless, you cannot do it alone!  You feel so lost sometimes, just sad, like a doctor feels grief for not being able to save a patient from a mortal gun wound or something else.  Your energy is drained at this time, and this said?  YOU need to heal now.  Part of healing  is getting fully honest and unafraid of how we express our emotions. A good honest cry is one of the best ways to release the helplessness, and give you strength once again.

Let a person cry.  Don’t interrupt them.  NEVER say it does no good to cry.   It does!  Crying is a healthy release of stress and toxicity within a person. You try to stop a person crying, and worse, assume they are WEAK because of it–you need to learn to let your OWN tears fall and stop shaming tears.  Stop shaming emotions.  We HAVE to learn to USE our emotions for change. NOT “control” our emotions to fit a social “norm.”  Everyone needs to stop being squeamish and just accept that we all have feelings and if they are not allowed to come out of us?  They WILL result in destructive behavior.  We don’t want that.

Crying should be a part of everyone’s schedule.  We need to make time for a good cry as often as possible, either once a day or three times a week.  Sit down and just let yourself cry that pain out of you, whatever it may be.  Have handy a large box of Kleenex or a few handkerchiefs,  and just enjoy the process of deep, shameless sobbing.  Watch a great, sad old movie if that helps, or listen to a tear-jerking piece of music.    As you weep, CELEBRATE the tears, rejoice in the cleansing salt water flowing from your eyes. Your eyes will see so much clearer for it!

Anger too, we must make time for as much as crying.  Allow yourself the right to get angry once a day or more, depending on your time and how deep your anger is.  Think about something that really pisses you off.  Be sure you have made yourself an “Anger Room.”  Take one room in your home and fill it with junky old furniture and cheap porcelain cups, plates and other horrible things you hate…that will break. THROW these things against the wall.  As you’re throwing things, kicking things, swearing, shouting, think of the person(s) or things that you want to slam, hurt and make PAY for the way they made you feel.

AngerRoomforTrashingThings
TRASH that Sucker!  They’re just things!  They cannot file any assault charges let ALONE feel pain, so go ahead and destroy them!  Get it out!  You will feel amazingly free, and remember–it’s OKAY to get angry.

Letting out this pent-up anger will feel better and usually will end up in tears or laughter. This video on YouTube is priceless!

Two Women Find Therapy Trashing A Room

Almost always, after the storm, there is laughter.  That of course is an excellent healer  Let yourself LAUGH and for god’s sake DANCE to a great piece of music and don’t even think about whether your dance skills are “good” enough. If you’re off the rhythm, fuck it, do it anyway. Dance, and laugh. Sing along to a great song.  LAUGH.  Get ALL your yayas out.  You will feel so much better.

LaughingPeople3
Make funny faces at each other while laughing.  Be downright silly!  Enjoy the child within that laughs and laughs…right from the belly.

Maybe you’ll want to take a nap after so much release.  Do it!  Allow your body to rest and recharge.  It’s natural. It’s the BEST way to heal. ALLOW.  Don’t listen to another person’s schedule. If you are at work for forty hours a week, fine  Give yourself an hour or two every day to experience whatever you need.  You don’t have to get angry, cry, laugh and dance all in one day…work your way up.  Spend an hour just sobbing one day, the next day getting pissed and throwing things in your Anger room. The next day, LAUGH while watching a great comedy movie or comedy skit.  The next day, DANCE.  Remember that song, “I hope you dance?”  DO it.  You can. You need no particular order for however you need to express yourself.  YOU know what you need, at any given moment.  Do it–and enjoy all of it!  It’s good for you!

Finally, if you are creative–create something!  Paint a picture, create a sculpture from clay, play a guitar, a piano, some drums and  SING!  Sing your heart out. Write a song  Write a BLOG. Write a story, a novel!  You will be SO cleared up after expressing and letting out ALL that has been blocking you.

MusicPlayingBandStreet

If you have friends who can witness your releases of tears and anger, as well as fears and insecurities, they are blessed gifts. I encourage all of you to do this for yourselves. It will get easier, even wonderful to witness another releasing the pain.  You are HELPING them and in turn you release yourself even more!

Then, you can all dance together.  Sing together.  LAUGH together.  Form a band and play music together. Paint together. Write, and share what you wrote with each other.

Love and beauty is what we all need to share with each other but first we must allow it to be infused into our own souls. Then…our gifts are boundless!

Bless you all.  The  Healing Train has arrived. All aboard! 🙂

DancingPeople
 

Everybody Dance, Now!